THE NEW POLITICAL LEXICON FOR 1995 An excerpt from PUN INTENDED The Quarterly Newsletter for the Jeering Impaired 1124-A Clayton Ln. Austin, Texas 78723 Copyright (C) 1995 Gary Hallock Reprinted by permission UNFUNDED MANDATE - A night on the town with a guy who has no money. MANDATE FOR CHANGE - A cheap gigolo. SHRINKING DOLLARS - Money budgeted for mental health. CAPITALIST PIGS - Used to fill pork barrels. PRESS RELEASE - Simplified instructions for manual operation of elevators. CONSERVATIVE BACKLASH - The punishment for trying to defy the law of graffiti in Singapore. GRIDLOCK - Used to secure the gridiron in case of a football strike. LANCE ITO - What the podiatrist does if you have a boil on your foot. JURY SEQUESTRATION - The jurors will be locked up and forced to watch NBC on Sunday night. STATE ORPHANAGE - How old is this little waif? BLOCK GRANT - What the Confederates generally couldn't do. MATCHING GRANT - Burning a fifty dollar bill. POCKET VETO - What Mr. Gotti tells his driver after arriving home. POLITICALLY CORRECT - Some people think you can't do it unless you get white out. HOUSE SPEAKER - Intercom. MAJORITY LEADER - I buy Lipton in metric jugs. RELIGIOUS RIGHT - How Christians lobby Congress. PRESSURE TACTICS - Influential breathmints. OLIVER NORTH - What the Colonel's campaign chairman told him after the election. NORTH KOREA - What it is that was Oliver for the Colonel. LABOR CONTRACTS - Occur just before child birth. NEW DIRECTION - What Paula Jones claims Clinton offered. HARASSMENT - She has a butt like concrete. EDUCATION SECRETARY - Your new personal assistant is a Hebrew from New Orleans named Ed. JUDICIARY COMMITTEE - The guys who decide where to buy the Kosher food. SPECIAL INTEREST GROUP - NASA. YASSER - The opposite of NASA. BOUTROS BOUTROS-GHALI - What Gomer Pyle said when he saw two rows of boots. FAMILY LEAVE BILL? - Probably not while he's still in the White House. FED-EX - Former chairman of the Federal Reserve. PRIME RATE - The amount of coverage a politician gets on the evening news. FLAT TAX - What you get charged if you don't re-tire soon enough. REINVENTING GOVERNMENT - The president is inhaling again. GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT - Remember that garbage barge that nobody wanted? PRO-CHOICE - Voting for a billionaire independent candidate with big ears. FAMILY VALUES - A blue light special at K-Mart. AXE OF CONGRESS - What Newt will use to cut the budget. READ MY LIPS - The two things Bill Clinton says are most important for saxophone playing. NO NEW TAXES - The Speaker of the House has buried the hatchet. WEBSTER HUBBELL - There's a spider on our telescope. COLIN POWELL - Generally more gutsy than lower G.I.s. THOMAS DELAY - Anita Hill. ANITA HILL - What the flooded folks in southern California are thinking this year. JESSE HELMS - A Senator who won't bow to pressure and is too stern to see either end of the boat. TAX BREAKS - Of course they do! It's false economy, stupid. Use nails! SWEAT EQUITY - A cotton undershirt to put on your horse after riding him hard. WORKFARE - Subway tokens for to-the-job training. WELFARE - The cost of going to the well too often. WELFARE ROLLS - Kneady people who often loaf on taxpayer dough. BOB DOLE - Welfare for guys named Bob. PACKWOOD - The timber industry's political action committee. PHIL GRAMM - Get in touch with a cracker. MARION BARRY - The two most important jobs of a clergyman. BARNEY FRANK - Free postage for purple dinosaurs. JESSE JACKSON? - Question overheard at Jackie Kennedy's funeral. TIPPER GORE - What Clinton tells Al when he sends him our for fries. ALGORITHM - Tipper's method of birth control. MARIO CUOMO - Catatonic state brought on by playing Nintendo. RICHARD ARMEY - Bigger budget for the military. JOYCELYN ELDERS - Shaking up old people. SONNY BONO - Freshman congressman who's seen his Cher of trouble. DAN QUAYLE - The State bird of Marilyn. SPOTTED OWL - What the tourists say when they catch a glimpse of the Vice President. (Continued to next message) --- þ wcECHO 4.0 ÷ Nautilus II, San Bernardino (909)880-3229 USR 28.8 kBaud --- WILDMAIL!/WC v4.10 * Origin: PRN Southern California Hub (310)676-0492 (176:100/17.0) 0SEEN-BY: 100/4 8 15 17 25 40 50 200 800 102/230 526 200/0 16 43 300/0 400/0 4 6 0SEEN-BY: 400/8 13 15 16 17 19 22 24 28 29 32 34 35 100 500/0 600/0 700/0 11 14 0SEEN-BY: 700/310 513 0PATH: 100/17 50 400/0 From: Dave Niemeyer #0 @176:100/17 via 176:400/0 PRNet Re: Political Puns 1995 2/2 0AREA:PR_NET 0MSGID: 176:100/17.0 87BD53A4 0TID: WILDMAIL!/WC v4.10 93-0237 (Continued from previous message) LAME DUCK - What becomes of a left wing duck after Peking and just before he quacks up. TRICKLE DOWN - When a lame duck bleeds on your golden goose. ECONOMIC FORECAST - Milton Friedman and three buddies go fly fishing. RAKIN'OMICS - Retired President's yardwork. PLY-SIDE ECONOMICS - Bankrupt businesses with boarded-up windows. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE - The guy who shows Clinton how to straddle. CONGRESSIONAL PAGES - What makes it so difficult for Senator Packwood to turn over a new leaf. CONGRESSIONAL AIDS - What some congressmen pursue, but none really want to catch. SUPREME COURT JUSTICE - A knee to the groin from a basketball player. HIDDEN AGENDA - Sexual ambiguity. FANNY MAY - But you can be sure Bob Packwood. LIBERAL BIAS - We are in close proximity to a liberal. MT. RUSHMORE - Good advice for Mr. Limbaugh's bride. RUSH LIMBAUGH - Dancing under a stick in a hurry. POLITICAL DYNASTY - Senator Feinstein has a foul mouth. GIORGIO ARMANI - A request of President Bush to pay off old campaign debts. ZERO'S SON GAINS - Former President's kid wins Texas Governor's race. SON GAINS ZERO - Former President's kid loses Florida Governor's race. MEDIA AMBUSH - What the new Texas Governor says when introduced (preceded by the term "Gladta"). ANHEUSER-BUSCH - The usual response of those who meet the new Texas Governor. POLITICAL BARB - Female leader of a large tribe of Bushmen. GEORGE WILL - What you will need to have if you expect to inherit the 4th estate. SEXUAL INNUENDO - What a peeping Tom is likely to see. NUDIE MAGAZINES - Where Mr. Gingrich keeps his ammo. JUDGE'S CHAMBERS - Where Justice Thomas loads his bullets. CLASS ACTION SUIT - Bulletproof vest for teachers. CHERNOBYL - The peace prize was a three-way split this year. BUDGET DEFICIT - The parakeet is missing! INFLUENCE PEDDLING - Riding a bike to fight off a cold. GOPAC - Gingrich's advice to Clinton. INFLATION INDEX - A rise in the price of playing cards. WHITEWATER - What Jesus serves with fish. LAPTOP - What Senator Packwood's secretary works on. INTERNET - What schools of fish do just before they're caught. INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY - How the Blue Angels fly. ARBITRATING - The scale by which newt Gingrich and his mom measure first ladies. C-SPAN - The new tunnel under the English Channel. C-SPANISH - What will happen if you watch a non-English Channel. A SAMPLE ISSUE OF THE NEWSLETTER *PUN INTENDED* (INCLUDING A COMPLETE COPY OF THIS LIST) IS AVAILABLE FOR $1 FROM AUTHOR/EDITOR GARY HALLOCK - 1124-A CLAYTON LN. - AUSTIN, TX 78723 (512) 453-4431 (SORRY, NO E-MAIL, FAX, OR ANSWERING MACHINE) THE AUTHOR HEREBY GRANTS PERMISSION FOR FREE AND PUBLIC REPRODUCTION OR BROADCAST OF ALL OR PART OF THIS DOCUMENT. ALL SUCH REPRODUCTIONS OR EXCERPTS SHOULD INCLUDE NOT LESS THAN THE NAME OF THE AUTHOR/PUBLISHER AND PREFERABLY THE ADDRESS OF SAME. Dave "Cap'n Nemo" Niemeyer Nautilus II, San Bernardino, USR V.34, Paul Revere Network * QMPro 1.53 * Nautilus II BBS, (909)880-3229, Freedoms & Firearms --- þ wcECHO 4.0 ÷ Nautilus II, San Bernardino (909)880-3229 USR 28.8 kBaud --- WILDMAIL!/WC v4.10 * Origin: PRN Southern California Hub (310)676-0492 (176:100/17.0) 0SEEN-BY: 100/4 8 15 17 25 40 50 200 800 102/230 526 200/0 16 43 300/0 400/0 4 6 0SEEN-BY: 400/8 13 15 16 17 19 22 24 28 29 32 34 35 100 500/0 600/0 700/0 11 14 0SEEN-BY: 700/310 513 0PATH: 100/17 50 400/0